So, here as of lately I’ve been getting extremely interested in anything guy related. I tend to be an extremely intuitive person, therefore I rely mostly on my gut instinct than actual facts. For example, given a certain situation, when would it best be perscribed to follow instinct or ‘guy code’. (This is probably how the bible got started) Here are a few things I found interesting, or just plain insane and redundant. Enjoy (:
Bros before hoes. I cannot stress this enough. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone.
Never drink the last beer, unless you’ve been granted specific permission that it’s OK
If a girl falls into the following criteria, she is off limits forever until the end of time:
A. Was an ex-girlfriend
B. Your friend specifically told you he wanted her
C. Is your buddy’s sister (However, if it’s your buddy’s cousin, well she’s up for grabs, and you’re welcome to rub it in his face for years to come)
Never diss a guy whose team just lost a crushing game. Just leave it alone, it’s kinder to pick on them for a dead relative
You must never own a cat
If you get 2 tickets to the big game/gig/event, the priority list for granting the second ticket is as follows:
1. Your best friends (in order of how long you’ve known them)
2. Your acquaintances
3. Your co-workers
4. The mailman
5. The UPS guy
7. John Kerry
1,485,726. Your girlfriend
You are allowed to enjoy exactly one chick TV show, and one chick flick. You may have no more. And if you like Grease, well, we’re already too late
Birthday and Christmas presents for your guy friends are optional. Beer always makes a great gift
If you go the bar with your buddies, you must buy a round of drinks at least once
There are no mercy rules when playing someone in Madden, Hoops, Street Hockey, Bare-fisted boxing, etc.
Standard shotgun rules are as follows:
A. Shotgun may only be called within full sight of the car
B. Shotgun must be called outside
C. Shotgun calls last approximately ten minutes
D. Shotgun never carries over to a second ride
NO PDA (Public Displays of Affection), even if John Legend says they just don’t care. I mean, congratulations, another girl can stand the sight of you. You don’t need to wear her like a fucking trophy
It’s alright to cheat at any game where money isn’t involved. In certain circumstances, relationships may be classified as “games”
When out with the guys, never accept a call from your girlfriend—unless she’s dying or trapped under a burning fuel truck, and if that’s the case, make it quick
Never share a bed with a guy, unless there’s no way around it
Bros before Hoes. I know, I already used it. I can’t stress it enough, though. It is absolutely infuriating how many of my guy friends have become insufferable dicks since they’ve gone out with someone
Bros will not be assumed to be exclusive unless each has explicitly granted the other exclusive Bro rights. If a Bro is not exclusive then a Bro may have more than one Bro. However, upon becoming exclusive, said Bro must break any Bro ties with all other Bros.
One Bro makes a solo chick attack
A second Bro provides a crutch
A third Bro rounds out the pack
But a fourth Bro is one too much
Should a Bro be near to closing with a girl, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome, up to and including the seduction of said girl’s wildly unattractive cousin / friend / mother.
In the event that two Bros acquire the same target, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet roshambo shall determine the outcome.
In a scenario in which two or more Bros are engaged in entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity, including but not limited to; the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.
A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drink(s) among Bros with the proviso that no existing wager supersedes this purchase and exchange of spirits
If a Bro suffers pain from a permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a “that sucks, man” and copious quantities of beer
Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool
A Bro never cries
When in a slap bet thy bro must always obey the rules of the slap bet. If caught cheating in a slap bet the selected slap bet coordinator must rule the consequences of how many more slaps must be given to thy cheater
When one bro engages a fellow bro in a political debate, said debate shall remain civil and in good spirits. Should said debate become an argument, the bro who initiated the “argument” shall slap himself and then down two Miller Chills. This bro will then, in the proceeding Gubernatorial, Congressional, or Presidential election, vote for the candidate of his fellow Bro’s choosing
Expressly prohibits the adopted Bro from invoking the Sloppy Second clause in any related filings with the International Court of Bros. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing. If she looks good in it.
When questioned by a friend’s girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “bullshit!”. (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!
Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.