I fell apart, … but got back up again

Sunday, March 4th.

Today laying sprawled out on the kitchen floor of my friend’s apartment, after a visit with our friend Mary Jane. After a fit of laughter, dancing and random musings I collapsed onto the floor, humming along to Jesus Christ by Brand New… Like in the scene of a movie. Picking with a 24 pack of bottled waters, or whatever the fuck count it was.

Life caught me by the heel and it held me there. Stuck in this elusive trap of shit. I couldn’t think of anything but my own steaming pile of idiocy I let myself deal with. We take so much shit from people… And for what purpose? It was all SO MUCH

I finally got it. It finally fuggin sunk in! I hadn’t lost my mind. I found it. I found clarity, freedom, perspective.

Who cares if I can’t do all of the things that I can’t? I can be and do and say what I feel and think and rationalize. And its perfect. Its fuggin perfect.

I can learn and change and grow and stay the same, I can do SO MANY things…. I can have SO MANY things…. Walls are beautiful, I refuse to let them go… Who cares if I want to be pessimistic? Who cares if I’m fickle and blunt? Who cares if I’m addicted to addictions? Fuck me If I’m right and fuck me harder if I’m wrong. Who cares If I can’t communicate with people? Who cares i have the past of a hooker in Vegas? Who cares I’m passive aggressive? I choose to think in ways that are beautiful and crazy and grey. I can slit my neck and paint with the crimson, and who are you to say that’s wrong of me? Yeah, I’m a masochist, a manipulator, I’m needy and possessive. I’m a fuggin bitch when I want to be. I’m rude and I’m impatient. And I love it all. Every single part of me, because honey if I don’t. Name me one person who will….

So, as I sober up and listen to Counting Crows in dim light – I’m happy. Im finally fuckin’ happy! … And that’s a gdamn first.

;

And its been a long December and there’s reason to believe

Maybe this year will be better than the last

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