DON’T.TEMPT.ME.

I apologize I’ve been so very MIA …. a lot has been going on in the past few weeks… my brain is still trying to process it all. (Being detail oriented when you want to remember things<)

So, I took a trip to France with Anna.. expect a post on that soon. And I’m going to sound like the most spoiled, unappreciative twit in the world. But I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought. I guess I was running from something… and being in France made me face that head on. I hate it when people are right about the things I’ve convinced myself otherwise…. but were only human. We make mistakes. Remind me to allow myself room to do that.

My fingers are freezing. I’m always cold… and sleeping in jackets… in summer… in the South. Oxymoron?

There are new ones around now… At least I think so. My mind is only skimming the surface on that one… but they feel different… I’m not sure if I should be afraid or not?

I am terribly cryptic. It’s driving my family NUTS… I never realized how bad I actually was. I think its more of the fact that I don’t like complete sentences (Thanks Brittney for pointing that out) …. or in the middle of one, ill go off into some other rabbit hole… causing a really prolonged pause and then subject change… I wish i could put the way my brain functions on like a projection screen… I think it’d really be something…. or really comically pathetic

I’m so self depricating its like .. c’mon. I don’t see how my friends do it, id have buried me in cement already!

Nostradamus, Dante Alighieri, Fulcanelli, Aleister Crowley and the Book of Law… its coming. soon. I can feel it

Death is a strange taste, its like kissing someone in the sense… a foreign kind of moisture on the tip of your tongue… sort of dewy almost…

Intrigue can kill you. FACT.

I love the desert. There’s something peaceful about meditating in the middle of nowhere… sand between your toes. Watching a lizard move slowly across …. amazing. I tell myself one day, even if its only talking, I say I’ll go there. Me and whoever else can stand me long enough and just loose inhibitions. Romance the ol’ ego for a while…

I’m completely selfish. And I know it. It’s worst when you realize your flaw… and know sensibly how to change that flaw…. I’m making no direct moves to change that flaw.

My dog is so odd. She’s so sensitive. I like to think If I were ever a canine … I’d be Emily.

Names mean so much more to our psyche than what we think. What if, indirectly, and hyphothetically speaking I assure you, what our name means… down to the origin plays some factor in our character, unbeknownst to ourselves?

You read and dream with two different parts of your brain. That’s why you can never read in a dream.

Milkshakes are amazing. I had a dream about one. Some nameless chap in a parka brought me a milkshake. I just remember being really happy. And wanting to express it… but something told me not to. Guys don’t like overemotional sappyness. Tuck in your vagina. So I said ‘hey, thanks’ ….. Dont judge.

I adore hugs. I think I get the most emotional intuitive response by hugging another person that with any other form of physical intimacy… I think if I ever get married instead of, ‘you may now kiss the bride’ request the change to, ‘you may now bear hug your wife’ … or not? you know… its … cool.

Someone I didn’t really talk to much asked me Who I Was? And I giggled, like a child…..Who is anyone?

I like the quiet too much, I like my privacy and my solitude.. To not have to try and explain myself and fail and feel like a complete idiot. My horoscope told me to be more social. To “try not to direct myself so much into my inner world” … but I like living in my head. But truth is… I like feeling alone. I cant say it without sounding silly, everyone has a certain degree of loneliness to them. I just supposed my own is more exacted…. I’m just in this alone…  Everything is so much more clearer when you get to create the scenarios, take out all of the bullshit and the false pretenses. What if everyone just said what they mean. And im including myself at this point.. what if you told someone when you were angry? or happy, or disgusted, or nervous or in love? Would it really make things easier? Time to compile a mental list of this… It always brings me back to a quote.. I swear I’ve come to live by this: “We are all our own devil. And we make this world our hell” So, with that in mind… would it be easier? Or would we just simply come up with another something to piss us off?

I could freaking live off on Kit Kat bars (potential suitors… take note to this) … im sure my health wouldnt like it… but i mean… only i answer for me when its time to die, may as well live the way i want to live…

sometimes I like that my mind can hold two opposing thoughts… and then two turns to five and it just turns into one big cluster fuck and I need a nap.

I want a good read. I feel like everyone has the same philosophy… or theyve taken anothers and put their own flare.. I want something to make me question and resolve. As if i dont do that enough.

… maybe I am a lost cause? Or maybe I just want someone to prove me wrong?

No one has staying power anymore. Things get complicated, people second guess they move on to familiar and simple…. where are my investigators?!

I feel like im stuck searching and I have no idea what for… or maybe its right under my nose and i just the confirmation of being acknowledged…

Sometimes I like it when people call me with their problems. I have a terrible desperate need to be needed … and sometimes I wish i could trust enough to do the same…. but i think thats just innately in me. Its like this natural aversion to vunerability. That makes me the biggest hypocrite.

Sometimes I wish i liked alcoholism …. I wish i could let myself get absolved in nameless drugs and suppressants to deal with shit… again, I hate thinking sensibly.

Aiwass.

That Da Vincci was a sneaky little bastard. I like his style. 

Truth is, no one wants the truth. No one wants something that will possibly deviate their life, the way that they make decisions… alone.

Anyways, I’m done rambling for the night. Time to go be a nerd… (:

so, in parting. Have hope. and faith. and regardless of the bull i spout out, or what you hear that makes you double think. If it feels right, go with it. let it take you over completely. never doubt. its there.

love ALL,

Meghan. (and the name means Pearl… Hebrew origin)

(;

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