🎼 A Cinematic Orchestra. To Build A Home 🎼
I feel like what I’m about to be disclosed can and will be both because of my genetic makeup of X chromosomes and an over abundance of playing psychiatrist.
Why do we so stupidly and so reoccurring allow our emotions, our insecurities to rule out judgement. You know something is bad for you, you rationally venture into the notions of why and all of the possible outcomes of why you should and even when bad out weighs good we still betray our better judgement and act on impulse.
Now I’m still a firm believer in the world being painted grey. But I’ve found most times people have the answers, we know innately without being taught, by a strong instinct that something is wrong. But rather due to stubbornness or optimism or whatever personal reason we all act the opposite of what’s best for us.
I’ve damaged my soul. My sense of worth and personality are being drowned out by the superficiality and sexuality of flesh.
Why do we use people for our own benefit? Why do we refuse to show emotion when it’s needed and refuse ourselves time to let go? To scream and jump off a airplane or drink a good bottle of Scotch?
I listen to things I should close my ears to. War. Always a war.
If déjà vu is just the universe’s way of giving us a saving grace; of repeating a situation to repay our sins why does it feel like nothing’s changed? Why can’t I get over my fixed biased ideas and make a change?
I’m so sick of the same routine, waking up in the morning and mapping out my typical day. With the typical faces and their typical conversation.
Girls scare me. We’re dangerous things, we let hormones rule. Jealousy is our universal language. And manipulation Is what we salute to. Men at least can be easily read, you can always guess their next move because they allow themselves to be openly predicative. We so much crave a male attention and for what? I mean really, for what?!! It’s really crazy how the thirst for that rush of attention brings and what we do for it.
But a woman will smile in your face and carry the note to have you murdered.
So then where does that leave me? A hardened heart. Finding those same female flaws in everyone around me I’m both paranoid and persistently fighting the want to trust.
So when do I start living? Or will I forever pessimistically guard my actions with privacy?
Or just shrug and visit Mary and tell her all of my problems?
Value. Self worth. Fighting for the underdog.
There is no beauty in a faultless face.
There is no hope in a perfect world.
Listen to the music. Let is sink and pour and flow. Let my mind go. Let my body go. The two are desperate. Separate. I am not me.