I can’t believe this semester is almost over. I can honestly say these last few months have completely changed me as a person. And as masochistic as it sounds. I love it. I love challenges, I love to learn and to realize things I never knew.
I’m going to disclose names. It’s fine. It’s not name dropping if you decide not to be so damn sensitive (
and i asked) I mean like… fuck the police? …. that made no relevance.
I have grown to take on a HORRIBLE emotional codependency towards Mary Jane. (
I have this strange personality that I naturally pull things, people, situations towards me. And being a natural do-gooder doesn’t help. I bite off more than I can chew and then the universe forces me to swallow it. And I’m surrounded by people who are going through their own times and I either involve myself or get involved in them and its just a lot of emotions. And I feel them all so strongly and soul-consuming. I can see how LA is the city of ‘Lost Souls’.
I need to stop. I need something to take it all away. And I sit on sofa’s of people and halfway listen to their conversations and my own and I start to hum ‘Carmen’ … (
Dont hate Lana Del Rey. She knows my soul)
I’m that girl.
She says you don’t want to be like me
Don’t wanna see all the things I’ve seen
I’m dying, I’m dying
She says you don’t want to get this way
Famous and dumb at an early age
Lying, I’m lying
And as much as I feel like I should be afraid of it, I should hate it. I love hitting rock bottom. You see everything above you so clearly. And its so sobering.
Lets try to order this. Because I have a slight OCD tendency
1. No matter where I seem to go. I don’t belong.
Let me explain this the best I can, and I appologize beforehand for my lack of articulation skills. And I suck at description, too. My bad man.
You see what I’ve learned, even among the people I associate myself with, hell sometimes me. We all suffer from the terrible disease of image. And the sad part is, when I’ve learned the reasons, the ways to work in a opposite direction from that. We don’t change. This world is full of Borderline personality disorders. I’ve been reading a lot of W.K. Clifford and his ‘Ethics of Belief’ . It pretty much touches base with every other type a personality philosopher. I mean complex ideas are nothing more that a compliation of simple ones… I think.
Is the mind and body truly separate?
– Something that thinks therefore exists. I think therefore I am. Priori. The Matrix. whatever As human beings we have an obligation to investigate truths. The human brain is capable of finding fault in EVERYTHING. We can overcome any biased prejudiced, the brain has the power to doubt anything and anyone. Even our senses.
Yet let’s throw our body into the mix.
– One one hand we have the Dionysian pleasure of music, art. The most effective means of persuasion. But we also have the love of everything outwardly pleasing. Beauty simply because it is beautiful. Sex. Lust. Intensity. Jealousy. Narcissism All of these that can corrupt you, and yet knowingly, willingly even we give ourselves to it.
And you have the Apollo. The sculptures of life, the truth in it all. The light. Virginity in its purest form. Everything that is complimentary of its opposite without being Dorian Gray and loosing my soul in a painting so to speak.
Yet here I stand. A firm believer the two are one in the same. I am my mind. I am my truths. And yet my body is weak. I give in fully aware of the circumstances.
But how does a man, a woman learn to overcome both and the forces around it.
I’m sick of riding the waves and taking the punches as they roll. I’m starting to need more.
2. Apparently I suffer from a Schizotypal Personality Disorder….
For a bit of light anything can add to this page reading. I find it to be completely odd seeing as I don’t necessarily find myself as the most aloof person. To be blunt I think I’m the complete opposite. Maybe that’s why people scare me?
3. Let’s see… I was in a band for a short stint. I was nature. But I wasn’t ready. I needed to get lost a bit more. I will never claim to be something I know I’m not. If you want to assume differently that’s your fault. But I can’t be this ‘woman’ and I don’t feel I am the things I’m going to be marketed as
I think I’ve fallen out of love with it. The optimist in me still craves that intense, soul consuming slightly dangerous relationship. Yet I’ve fucked up so much in these next few months I can’t.
I was the girl who played games.
I was the girl who pushed away something good for the sake of its goodness. I should elaborate.. I am not a good girl. I never was. But I’m also not bad. I’m an in between. But I’m too rough around the edges to be with someone who wants a girl I’m not.
I was the girl who fell for the wrong person
I was the girl who used. And then threw away
And after all of this. I can honestly say I don’t believe in love. Or at least not for me. I feel like some people (the ones who you know right out of highschool married with kids) have something in their genetic makeup that meshes with another who has the same. I never got that gene. I got the gene of a jumper. A traveller. A writer. I think were meant to live tragic lives
4. I’ve said this like 80 thousand times but this time it seems to be solidified. I wont be back at UNA next semester And I’m not quite sad about it. I think when you feel like you’ve lost the world all you can do is find continents. I think its time i go and do that. Besides with all thats going on I don’t think anyone will want to be in university next year
5. So, to all of the things I wish I could say but fear of embarassment or whatever that keeps me back. I’m going to spit it out:
Thank you. You know who you are if you have to question if its you. You are the thing I can say I did right. That I can trust and be the most of myself I’m not scared to show. I hope time doesn’t make me forget you. To you: Stop trying to be something you aren’t. Don’t create situations that compromise you only for attentions sake. Your better than that. YOU are the best mom not mom anymore that I’ve ever had. And you get mad bitches (: I love you. You are so much that I wish I could be. REDHEADS are amazing. And stubborn. I say this with a smile because as much as I am serious and stern I’m just as tickled. You look like a damn hot mess. Stop trying to make love to your image. It isn’t what you think it is. To that girl that I hugged the other day, I still don’t know your name, I’m sorry. But you deserve so much more than him. To the that felt me up. Your herb smokes superbly. To the one suffering from too much eccentric. I will always be here in whatever way you need me. With some mary and marilyn quotes to give us a false feeling of feminism hope. It gets better. It has to. And to the guy that I hurt. I am SO sorry. It doesn’t seem like it, I know how I come across. I’m not the person you think I am. I’m not your imagination. I’m just sorry. To my birth mom. I’m a fuck up. I spend most my days blazed to relax my emotions or nose burried in my laptop on a book I’ll probably never publish. I seem like I expect to be handed the world from you. But truthfully I don’t want it. I appreciate everything, I truly do. But we will never have a relationship. But just trust, I was birthed with too much common sense to lead me somewhere I can’t get out from. To my father. Stay gone. To my brother. My little person. YOU are my LIGHT. My HOPE my REASON. I hate your cooler than me. And to me. Forgive yourself, Meghan. Stop being a perfectionist in EVERYTHING. The world isn’t whats in your head. There is kindness. Don’t overlook it.
Why did that sounds like my last will and testament or something? Creepy. If I for some reason die after this… TLC or Oprah that shit!
6. Played with a Wedgie Board. Apparently I’m an open field and I’m going to have Rosemary’s baby. Can’t make this shit up
7.Tattoos. Life is Perception. On my arm. Hopefully everytime I look at it, I can trust. I can breathe instead of holding my breath every conversation
8. The numerous high giggles and car karaoke. I won’t forget it. Living like a song, right? Workaholics
“BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY!” singing rock songs because its hard out here for an emo kid. Trying to freestyle. (I suck) Hair Dye. Walking away mid sentence when I feel awkward. Bucket Listing. Taking quizzes to see what instrument your personality is. I am a violin. And my genre would be ambient. Shocker.
9. I went to my first wedding. Many happy smiles to the Killens. And later that night I caught my first meteor shower. 5 shooting stars. Five wishes. It was beautiful
10. I went to Rivertown. Just sat there. And a man came up and sat in front of me. He took out a pen and paper and wrote the word, ‘Hi’. And we talked like that the entire night. And it was sadly the most romantically intoxicating thing that’s ever happened to me.
PLAYLIST! And this is this semester’s entirety .. so far. If you ever want to know ANYTHING my lips aren’t saying. These.
1. The Weeknd feat Drake ‘The Zone’
2. Mumford & Sons ‘Thistle & Weeds’
3. These New Puritans ‘We Want War’
4. Kanye West ‘Mercy’
5. M83. ‘Reunion’
6. Lana Del Rey. ‘Carmen’
7. Avicii. ‘Fade Into Darkness’
8. AWOLNATION. ‘Sail’
9. Billie Holiday ‘I’ll Be Seeing You’
10. A Cinematic Orchestra ‘To Build A Home’
… and the rest is just a bit too personal.
This is the most jumbled blog post ever. WTF?
…. i don’t have anything witty to add here. yuuup. k. see ya. bye.