I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past few months. Yes, in retrospect I am fully aware how much I say this.
I never really knew what It meant to actually grow up. Part of me thinks I’ll always be a child at heart. And that’s why I love children and animals more so than actual adults and people my age. There’s a purity to their souls. Their clean until made otherwise.
And yet the latter half of my reason always thought that by having the wisdom and experience and the right words, however lacking in feeling they were, made me an adult. To mother others.
But it doesn’t.
I will forever be one of the most complicated individuals I know. What I want most, I fear getting.
I’m independently co-dependent. And impulsively passive aggressive. I don’t communicate. I’m socially antisocial.
So then, In a world of contradictions, how are we supposed to give ourselves to other people?
It’s a constant battle. Everyday there’s this beast below the surface, this evil wicked thing. This harlot. I was born a Helen, I was born Bathsheba. I am Eve. I am a temptress. I crave nothing more but the craving of skin. To touch the sensual and taste the forbidden. But then, isn’t every woman?
And yet I am innocence. I delight in the light. The sweet and the soft. The kindness and compassion to show others even when they do not show it to me.
I learn I tend to whip a dead horse. I hold on when I should let go. I let my loyalty turn into slavery. I’m a chore when I make others my choice. Yet, In a strange way I find peace in this. Because as horrible as it is, you see, it means that In some way shape or form when someone needs support, I can assist. However, most psychologists would conclude this as horrible self inflicting behavior. Whatever.
I remember when I was little my mom used to call me the next Mother Teresa. Until I turned three and said my first curse word. ‘Shit’ and she laughed and said, well. Mother Teresa with an edge.
Growth. Everyone matures at their own stage. At their own time. And usually during great times of difficulty. Some never at all. I, unfortunately, never had the gift to be my age.
Fear. The root of all love will forever be fear. Of the unknown, of the knowing. Of the feeling and the not feeling. Love is always a constant uncertainty. Yet I’m told its supposed to heal and nurture and respect. Yet all I’ve ever knowing was pain, restraint and ego. Always the use to boost someones ego.
The blind optimism, innately in me. Won’t allow me to do anything other.
Everyone and no one. Lies. Agendas. The truth is woven so intricately into lies it fools. Nothing is ever what it seems. Nothing is ever black and white.
I love it when someone smiles at me and it touches their eyes. It’s rare to see something so sincere.
I am a mountain and a molehill of walls. Cleverly and securely built. And I’m afraid to have someone knock them down. And I’m afraid that someone will not. I guess I’m used to being given up on.
I love the sound of the rain. Introspection. Nothing more calming than just watching and understanding. The world is so simply difficult. But its beautiful.
When a baby smiles at me, a child tugs at my dress. A flower in my hair. Legs on the dash and Lil Wayne through the speakers. A stolen kiss. Inside jokes I forgot. Small gifts that mean more to me than diamonds. Silly dances at work. Chocolate popcorn sticking to my fingers. Watching scary movies all night. sitting on the roof star gazing… just beautiful.
Then why do I feel so incomplete?
I never mean to intentionally hurt anyone, because I know the pain of being intentionally hurt. Yet constantly I disappoint and am disappointed.
Never hold anyone to standards or expecations. Your setting yourself up to be let down. Every person is different no matter how similar. We all feel and understand and rationalize with different morals and ethics and philosophies.
I’ve always had a blunt smoking hippy policy. Love the world. Fuck the nonsense.
I just want to be happy….. But how do I get there?
SO! Playlist time! It’s been a while and these few songs are like my emotions in a metronome. Soo.. pay close attention. I’ve missed you all by the way! Good to see I’m close to 1000 followers! I don’t know how you put up with my self deprecating bullshit. I’d have ended me LONG ago (; Enjoy.
1. Amos Lee. Violin
2. The Lumineers. Stubborn Love
3. Counting Crows. Colorblind
4. Lana Del Rey. Born To Die
5. The Fray. Hundred
6. A Perfect Circle. Stranger
7. Ray LaMontagne. Be Here Now
8. The Civil Wars. Tracks In The Snow
9. Samuel Barber. Adagio For Strings
10. David Gray. This Years Love
11. The Black Keys. The Lengths
12. The Swell Season. When Your Minds Made Up
13. M83. Skin Of The Night
14. Red Hot Chili Peppers. Under The Bridge
15. U2. A Man And A Woman