Yes I have now turned into Taylor Swift. I can never say how much I dislike her now. She gets her heart broken and had the guts to admit it. I however am all, lets not give him the satisfaction. But today. I’m going to be Taylor Swift.
I love the smell of clean crisp things. Maybe it’s because I’m horribly sweet or maybe I just love anything related to home-y smells.
I never EVER in my life have intentionally hurt someone. And that I could say proudly. I have the conscience of Mother Theresa and would chop my arm off if it would make someone happy.
But I’ve been extremely selfish lately. I don’t want to say that a love isn’t real. No matter how short or long lived it may be. That burning when your with them, that since of happiness and freedom. Maybe it’s all chemically produced. But that other persons generic code is what produces it. So maybe it was beautiful. But beautiful things are rare. They come once in every blue moon and leave too soon. But they burn the brightest and you feel the most alive you probably will ever feel. All forbidden romance is pleasurably by secrecy. That rush of going against what’s politically correct and doing what makes you happy.
But it’s called star crossed for a reason. Yes, while it’s all of those beautiful things. It’s also meant to be short lived. Romeo and Juliet
You love and it ends. However they were young and dramatic.
Cleopatra and Mark Antony
Their love ruined a nation. Yet they still loved until both tragically ending themselves. Tristan and Isolde My personal favorite. She became his support. The perfect example of masculine and feminine and it’s so beautiful. But of course he sided and she became so depressed she passed soon after. Now were led to believe that star crossed lovers can actually make it out alive. Twilight
the notebook No. No one loves like that without paying a price for it. My price was happiness. I’m so sick if hearing I deserve better or other shit women tell eachother to give us an excuse to dress like sluts and go out just for the howls of men to be out validation against insecurity. It’s not true. I hate that I’ve never been my age. I don’t relate to things well. I hurt people and make selfish decisions and keep someone else from happiness just because I felt a certain way. And of course it’s going to hurt knowing you weren’t enough or worth it and that that other person just didn’t care. And of course other horrible diseases we women tell ourselves during this time.
I feel like I should marry a sitar player.
yes I know how very Moulin Rogue of me but I just want to go to the desert and belly dance around a fire with bells ringing from my hips. While my sitar player watches me from the side playing The Beatles Within you, Without you
That is my dream of love. And to never get hungry or sleepy or tired so we can just be together with this sensual, trippy music. Or to just get a boat and sail away. Those are my dreams of what Cupid heaven would look like. And a bit of Mary J. Not even gon front.
I feel sort of numb now. Like I’m so used to setting myself up for the same things to happen again just make you expect the worst. I think it’ll hit me soon. It usually does when you miss someone. A song brings back a smile but you can’t really remember why. Or when you drive by a certain street that makes you remember rigid conversations. But you go on in love. And in life. You either take two paths history’s told me. You move on. Soon that person becomes an emotional response, then a memory. Then indifference. And you marry someone the complete opposite of what he/she was. And you do this subconsciously but no one friends or family ever care to tell you why. And you fall into the typical, mundane life of every couple forced into that. And you love your kids and your football and your sexually unfulfilled marriage. Or two. You have this bizarre aha! Moment at some random diner in the middle of nowhere and the life you’ve loved prior to that missing and comparing every person to them. You have a moment or event that makes you realize you’d rather be in a hole with this person than a person in the situation as mentioned above.
And then you have my romantic comedy which is like you’ve got your own category of fucked up. Your going to be so abused mentally, physically and emotionally. You’ll never trust and screw things up. You’ll whip a dead horse and screw things up. And your going to be a selfish prick and screw things up. But none end in a dreamy wonderful love story. I get the death and plunder.
It’s sad I have to make my life a sort of fairy tale to get through it. I am pathetic. And sweet as unicorns.
So I’m going to accept only truths of me now. This persons action or inaction is not a direct reflection on me. I am not the things someone else tells me. I’m not her, but I’m me. And me is… Abstract and odd!
Yes I’m pushover sweet. I’m a bad bitch. Sometimes I like to have girls days and watch Disney movies
right now it’s Hercules. Go figure And then I like to chill with the guys and drink and beer and talk Atlanta Braves. I’m uncomfortably weird and awkward. I think I’m funny. I’m insecure and I’m jealous. I’m a manipulative psycho. I run from my problems, I don’t allow my emotions that I don’t like. I trick myself into only seeing the good in people because its not their fault that good was tainted.
I’m miserable and I’m hurt and I will never feel like I’m enough. Because MY history told me I wasn’t. I will be forever moody and overly critical and impulsive and overly affectionate. I’m going to get tired of easily and I’m nothing special. But I am.
But I guess if you can’t handle me at my worst. You don’t get my best.
So maybe ill leave and ill soon realize I was never more than fun for the moment. Maybe ill leave and realize it was star crossed beautiful. Maybe ill leave and realize to just save up money and move as far away from people as possible.
Only the Fates know what will happen. So until then I just want to live in this numb stage. And do whatever I can not to think… A lot.
But for now. I’m going to listen to She Will Be Loved. And get scared all over by Hercules and Hades. How befitting. The angel and the devil.
Tap on my window knock in my door I. Want to make you feel beautiful
Hercules pre pubescent singing voice sounds so funny!