If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one” – Mother Teresa
My problem with that quote is I’m a fixer. I always feel the need to fix and care for everything and everyone. And yes, although my intentions are always good. I end up doing more hurting than helping.
Story of my life
And then I get days like this. When I’m perched on my roof, sifting through thoughts and imagination and introspection. And bug bites.
I can’t believe I’ve reached 1000 followers on this thing. I am extremely blessed and greatful. Thank you.
So, today, I’m going to let it all out. Everything. Sorry in advance.
1. I hate, I mean with every bone in my body the fact that the worst things in live happen to the people with the best hearts. I know the whole God doesn’t give us more than we can bare sort of thing. And we have to look at the small things in life and appreciate what we have before he multiplies us with more. I have a knack at meeting and befriending broken people. I always have. And have yet to understand why. Perhaps its because I’m just as worn, perhaps it’s because I’m supposed to bring sunlight and peace. I don’t know. Of course if you take yourself away from the equation than you can really see the path that persons life would have taken if they had never met you. Tons of possibilities. No direct answers. I’ve only known this person for about a month and a half but I have never wanted to sell everything I own and work a corner to help someone so much in my life. Having lost a mother, the person who gave birth to you. Carried you for nine months. There is no greater bond. And to loose that is truly like loosing a part of yourself, a part that you can never get back. That emptyness can never and could not ever by no amount of things collected or people to fall in love with-be filled. And yet here she is, trying to make ends meet, trying to be happy. When it takes everything to even get up in the morning. I try not to speak much. To just listen. Sometimes an objective pov to point you in the right direction is good. We let the world or our fears muddle what’s clear and cohesive. But sometimes I feel like I can do more, be there more. But I can’t. I have to watch this person suffer and life throws blow after endless blows. And I’m powerless. And it literally kills me.
2. Megan. My wonderful Megan. She’s honest. No one has ever been so wonderfully trustworthy. And believe me when I say I fight getting attatched to people tooth and nail. I fight the desire to want to trust people so artfully you would never know it. But not my Megan. Five years and I can tell her anything. With no fear of judgement just sound clear truth. I love someone who can be truthful to me. Damn my feelings and sensitivity and just tell me how it is. And that’s my JC. And yet she still has to go through shit. We can’t help who we fall in love with. We just can’t. It’s chemical and we can’t fight our genetics. Yet I’ve had to watch her get heartbroken by these assholes. This girl who would do anything for those she loves. This amazing person who so real and has always been there for me. And I’ve taken it for granted. And no amount of sorry can change that. But she’s always there, still. Being a wonderful friend. Yet her own desires, her loneliness makes me lonely. No one her age should have to see the world for what it is.
3. Sis. I’ve lived with her, and although she egged it on a lot of the times, being in a situation like I was, with a boyfriend like I had.. I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Life made her angry and bitter and she felt like she had to take on this role of being my protector. And sometimes It was endearing and sweet. I find it strange when people want to take care of me. The roles is always reversed. And then at times it was just plain annoying. I like to fight my own battles. I am more than capable of it. But sometimes there’s a line you don’t cross. Boundaries that are set for these specific reasons… And now I want to protect her. So young. Cheating and drugs an engagement and now pregnancy. I love children. I adore them. Family to me is God’s gift to a woman and a man. It’s a legacy. But the problem with this generation is people are so quick to jump to a quick fix. The idea of something. Women, please hear me when I say that a child will not keep a man. If he is not emotionally, mentally, and spiritually ready. PLEASE do not put an added pressure on him to provide not only you but a child with security and stability. Unless you are a stable couple and can financially raise a child, please don’t to this. A child learns EVERYTHING from the relationship between its mom/dad. Because that’s the first relationship they know. Of course I’m going to love and spoil and discipline my god child. That’s my god child. But when I think of everything I have to do for this baby. To have to raise a child and its two parents…. I need a drink. Sure, I don’t have to do anything. But I couldn’t look myself in the mirror If I turned my back and let this baby grow up in the environment its going to.
4. I miss you.. And I’ve done nothing but cause shit to your life when all you did was make mine brighter. It was hard and it was difficult. But It was right. It felt right. But I was selfish. I ruin peoples lives, I do. I’m like a poison, I should’ve warned you. I’ll sink into you and drain you of everything you have. And I don’t mean it. I never did. I only wanted to give the happiness I was given. Your beautiful and courageous and honest. So many wonderful things I took advantage of. I didn’t deserve you. Because people like me don’t deserve something so good when they’ve treated it so badly. I should’ve listened. To everyone. But I’m stubborn and I don’t believe in giving up. I’m sorry for all of the trouble I’ve caused. You were right to wish you never met me. I wish more people thought that and stopped trying to be friends with me.
SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. I’m trying to warn you here. You always meet the right people at the wrong times
5. Stagrammin’. You were right. You have become one of my bestfreinds, but I can’t be more than that. You aren’t a Jacob to me. Your my bestfriend. And I wish I could feel the same as you, but I can’t. I didn’t mean to lead you on, I just got addicted to the feeling of not feeling anything for a while. I didn’t realize how selfish that was to you. Especially having had it happen to me. It wasn’t fair. And it hurts me everytime I’m around you. It’s gonna suck when you leave for school. I seriously don’t know what I am going to do. haha Maybe I can convince you to build motorcycles with me with outside l&g gives you your soul back. (:
I hate understanding life. Sometimes I really do envy those people who are one dimensional. There’s nothing wrong with that. You stay eternally optimisitic and your problems are simple. But when your like me… when you see and understand too much. It’s draining. I don’t know why I was put here. To hurt, to help. I guess I have to decide how to treat that.