October 14, 2013
I have learned more about myself in the past year and a half than I have in the past twenty two years. I suppose that statement has become sort of repetitive to you all. I have been absent from this site for far too long.
A lot has happened within that time frame. I’ve learned about my self, my value, my emotional tolerance, my ability to dethatch myself when necessary.
I’ve learned that there is a large difference in holding a grudge and remembering why you shouldn’t go near a hot surface.
And I suppose, in retrospect, that has been the reason for my absence. You see, this blog to me represents a past. A life I both hate & love. it’s a thin line and I’m right on the precipice when it comes to this blog.
I have a really bad habit of associating things with emotions. This emotion was bitter, something I didn’t want to face so I just let it lie dormant. Busying myself with other things and trivial situations.
I guess I’m a horrible excuse of my Cusp. My Sagittarius says to run and hide; but my Capricorn says take care of business like the woman you are. And we can see I took the easy way out.
But not all of it was channeled towards the saddest.
I finally posted Kings on its website. And then I remember the people that I would obsess to about my novel. How I would be so eager to have them read and dissect what I wrote; and not for my vanity’s sake. But because I communicate through written word. What I feel about life and it’s battles and my scars are in that Book.
I wanted people to understand my complexity without just assuming I am my action or inaction. And this blog represented friendships lost.
And all I could think about was what I had done. Had I been right in my thought to do it? And, the most bitter of them all: How do I feel knowing that no one cares I am actually gone?
Kings was received well, which was all I could have ever wanted. From day one when I began to write on my old shitty laptop all I thought was how I want to infect the world.
Cause this ripple effect of inspiration that would change the Youth forever. And to see that take place, is more humbling and gratifying than anything I can ever hope to accomplish in my life.
But there was still a nagging in the back of my otherwise contented mind. I needed closure. Not just from the people who I wronged. Or the ones who wronged me. From myself and from the better mistakes I know I will make tomorrow.
I needed to feel like I had spoke my peace, given my explanation, before I can actually be happy with the way my life is going.
So, to those who have taken me for granted, to those I have take for granted. To the memories of laughter and joy, and those that leave a sad, longing in my heart. To the one who lied to me. To the ones I have lied to. To those who will just never understand my nature, and the nature of others I can only seem to empathize with. To those who doubted my dreams and only seem to capitalize on my bad days. To those who celebrated my joy with me, and offered me words of encouragement. To those who saved my life; and to those who pulled the trigger.
I forgive you. And I forgive me.
I am finally at peace.
I am going to LA soon, the life I’ve always wanted is finally taking off. But until I accept my past, I cannot look forward to a future.
So thank you, to all of the people who I am no longer friends with, for whatever petty reason I cannot remember.
It may have to be from a far from now; But I will always love you and appreciate what you have done for me. The impact you have had on me that’s caused a ripple affect of change.
You may hate me, you may not give two shits about what I have to say to you, you may want peace for yourself so you can move on.
I forgive us both.
To those who follow this blog; I promised to take you along every step of the way during this crazy ride.
And lastly, to myself. I promise to stop letting yourself get dragged and drawn into the bullshit. You cannot save, help, or be friends with everyone. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t a good person. It means your growing.
I guess this is what it means to accept everything about life; good and bad.
Thank you. I love you. I wish you peace and plenty in your life. There are no hard feelings; no regrets. Nothing of waste or unimportance.
I can finally say and believe that I am ready as a person to be a better friend to those who deserve it.
And that, to me, is beautiful.
It isn’t the end until its over. And every person has a fighter in them.
Forgiveness is the economy of the heart… forgiveness saves the expense anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of Spirits – Hannah Moore