Calamity

I love and hate alone time. It’s a need, one of the most basic kind. Nothing’s forced, nothing to do but what I want. It’s so nice to be able to do what I want for a change. But with quiet comes reflection. And the outcome is never a peaceful one.
I love peace. I need harmony to survive and the second something gets off center, I have this emotional rift that tears me apart until I recognize and deal with it.

Social media in some ways is the new Antichrist.
I read online once that social media affects women more so than men. I can see that.

Someone I thought I would never have to dig back up found me first. I suppose i should’ve seen it coming all along; but still. An ex reaching out Is never a good thing to me in my book. Their an ex for a reason. So go crawl back into that ex hole you tried to dig your way out of.

And then I started to notice a pattern in all of my relationships.

I always date the most selfish of people.

And then I had an even more disturbing thought.

we accept the love we think we deserve

So then why do I think I deserve shit? Why do I always go for the most selfish, self centered men?

I want conversation. Where I’m actually listened to and heard. Not interrupted to talk about them. I’m so sick of it.

I want someone to find out what I love and actually show interest.

What’s my favourite book, and then read it just to think of what I felt while reading it.

Someone to put me on a pedestal for once.

I’m starting to think men in their 20s can only form thoughts about boobs and cars and it’s the most boring and sad thing I have realized.

Men, no woman cares about what poem star got beat up. It’s sad yes; but I don’t care. No woman wants to constantly stroke your ego- it makes us feel like temporary affection for you. No woman cares about your love of drugs, your love of other women.

What you don’t see is how that makes us feel. Because no matter how many times you call us beautiful, if all we see you do is obsess over your exes or other females, it makes us feel inadequate. What is it missing that I have? What is it wired in your DNA that always craves more?

I want to believe in the basis of love? I really do. I suppose I’m just a cynic. Or a realist. Or I just need that someone to prove me wrong. Or maybe I think to much. Maybe I’m just negative?

I mean don’t get me wrong I love my boyfriend, I really do. But I learn from experience. And you only have to teach me once. Loving yourself isn’t bad, but there’s also a limit. And when you’ve been through the things I’ve had to because of selfishness.. You only have to teach me once.

Maybe I’m just depressive and emotional and the only people that care enough or know how to bring me out of it are miles away. I shouldn’t have left Florence; I see that now.

Truth be told, relationships are overrated and tiresome.

And I’m sick of accepting shit.

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