Karma is a MOTHER!

It’s strange to think where I was a year ago today. And where I am now. Who I was a year ago, who my friends where a year ago. And I can honestly say I miss it. I’ve never been one to live in the past, always for the future… But nostalgia is kicking my ass right now.

If I could go back in time and have a conversation with myself, tell me all of the idiotic decisions I was going to make. The people I was going to be around. I’d laugh in her face and tell her she was insane. I knew myself better than that.

Guess I didnt…

Everything I did within that year that’s led to today. It feels like its been longer than just a year.

My week from hell is seriously giving me a complex.. Like where is this bad karma coming from? I just don’t get it!

Or maybe I’ve already used up my allotted years of luck and this is just reality. And reality is shit.

A year ago, I had three things that changed my perception. This year, on this date. That picture, song and movie has changed.

Look below: 

MOVIE!

Mr. Nobody 

70 percent on the times, in most cases, we’ve already met the person were going to marry. And i sit and picture out what my life would be, depending on each different direction and person I choose. It’s strange how different you’ll be with each one. This movie, this brilliantly written movie, captures everything I fear and wish and want. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to relate to a fictional character quite so well… PLEASE! If you have any free time on your hands, watch this. It’s even on YouTube. I guarantee you, you wont regret it. Here’s a little synopsis.

In the year 2092, Nemo Nobody is a 118-year-old man, the last mortal on Earth. Humanity has conquered mortality through an endless renewal ofcells, and the world now watches in fascination as Mr. Nobody edges towards death. Everyone wants to know the life that he has lived. Nemo himself says that he remembers nothing about his past and a psychiatrist, Dr. Feldheim, tries to make him recall memories through hypnosis; other memories are told to a journalist. Nemo spits out contradictory pieces as he is prodded, and no one is sure what happened and what didn’t. He is less than clear, often thinking that he is only 34 years old. He tells of his life at three primary points in his life: at age nine, when his parents get divorced; at age fifteen, when he fell in love; and at age thirty-four, living his adulthood – all three unravelled into many other realities in a nonlinear narrative.

At the beginning of the story it’s explained that before birth, children remember everything that will happen in their lives, but at the moment of conception, the Angels of Oblivion make them forget everything. Eventually, the Angels forget about Nemo. Now the boy first has to choose his parents. At age 9, his second choice happens when they divorce, and he has to decide with whom he will live. At a railway station, his mother leaves on a train, while his father stays. In one case he runs to reach the train and his mother manages to pull him in, in another he stays with his father.

Life with mother

Nemo lives with his mother and her new partner, Harry, and does not get along with him. He behaves in a rebellious way, saying he can predict the future. He meets the daughter of his mother’s boyfriend, Anna. Nemo is sitting on the beach, Anna runs to him and asks him to swim with her and her friends. In one case, Nemo answers “They’re idiots. I don’t go swimming with idiots.” He regrets those words all his life, and many years later, he meets Anna at the station with her two children, they engage in an awkward conversation and then part again.

In a second storyline, he tells her he cannot swim, and she stays with him on the beach. They get to know each other and she becomes Nemo’s first love. They are happy together, but when Harry and Nemo’s mother break up, Anna has to go to New York with her father, and they lose touch. Years later, Nemo works as a pool cleaner and hopes to meet Anna again. They meet each other at a train station and immediately recognize each other in a crowd of passers-by. After so many years, Anna is not ready to immediately resume the relationship and asks Nemo to wait. She asks him to call her in two days and meet at the lighthouse, but the slip of paper on which she wrote her number gets wet in a sudden downpour and becomes unreadable. Nemo keeps waiting at the lighthouse everyday but Anna does not come.

Life with father

Nemo stays with his father who later becomes disabled. Nemo takes care of him, becoming uncommunicative. He works in a shop and spends his free time at home at the typewriter, writing afantasy story about a journey to Mars. At a school dance, he meets Elise and falls in love with her. Few days later, Nemo goes to Elise’s house and sees her with her 22-year-old boyfriend and leaves. Frustrated, he speeds with his motorcycle on a forest road, until he skids on a wet leaf, hits a tree and is hospitalized in a state of paralysis. He can feel, smell and hear, and he can see light through closed eyelids, but he cannot move. Nemo tries to remember the movement of his fingers on the typewriter keyboard, and in the last scene of this storyline, he manages to lift a finger.

In yet another alternate timeline, Nemo speaks with Elise at her house, but she rejects him saying she loves another man, Stefano. But in this instance Nemo doesn’t back down. He keeps assuring her of his feelings. Finally Elise gives in and, a few years later, they finally get married. In one version of the storyline, Elise dies in an accident on the return from the wedding. Nemo keeps her ashes, having promised her to spread them on Mars. After doing so, aboard the giant sleeper spacecraft about to begin its long journey back to Earth, he meets Anna, but before they can even say much to each other, the ship is then destroyed in an exceedingly abrupt, and extremely unlikely, encounter with a swarm of asteroids that seems to materialize from out of nowhere. In a different version of the storyline, Nemo does not fly to Mars. He works at a television studio narrating educational videos, and while returning home one evening, he loses control of the car after hitting a bird and plummets into a lake. Another storyline has Nemo and Elise married with three children. Their marriage is very unhappy because Elise suffers from borderline personality disorder. She has attacks of hysteria, and despite Nemo’s attempts to save their marriage, in the end Elise leaves him.

So now, then, after the younger Elise rejects the teenaged Nemo, he goes home and tells his father that he’ll marry the first girl who will dance with him at the school prom. That night he meets Jeanne. They dance, and while taking her home on his motorcycle, Nemo makes what he later describes as a lot of silly decisions. Despite having succeeded in following his plans, Nemo is unhappy, and his life is boring and unpleasant. Nemo starts relying on the flipping of a coin to make decisions. At the airport, he pretends to a waiting chauffeur to be a passenger named Daniel Jones, and when he gets to his hotel room, he is murdered by mistake whilst taking a bath, and his body is dumped in the woods.

In another storyline, the adult Nemo awakens in a strange world dominated by argyle patterns. Following instructions that he finds around the city, he traces it back to a crumbling abandoned house. There he stumbles upon a dusty and strangely modern digital video disc player that is hooked up to a plasma television screen. By means of the strangely interactive video, 118 year-old Nemo actually converses with him and explains to him that he, the much younger man, doesn’t exist.

Epilogue

Before his death, Mr. Nobody tells the journalist that they both don’t exist; they are in the mind of Nemo as a boy, when he is being forced to make an impossible choice. The journalist is then seen looking out of a train window at 9 year-old Nemo as he just misses catching hold of his mother’s hand. The implication is that Nemo made use of that unknown man’s face in one of his imaginary projections into his own distant future. Back at the railway station one final time, Nemo creates a third and totally unexpected choice for himself; he abandons both parents and takes another way out of the dilemma by running away from the tracks in a perpendicular line towards an unknown future. He ends up as the adult Nemo sleeping on a bench by the lighthouse and waiting for Anna’s return. There is, eventually, an ecstatically joyful reunion between them where the two lovingly embrace. At the precise moment Mr. Nobody dies of old age, the expansion of the universe comes to a halt and time reverses itself. The imaginary 118 year-old man then cackles triumphantly as he springs back into awareness with the realization that his younger self has finally found his one true love and life.

PICTURE

I won’t explain why I like this so much. Because it’s impossible to try and put it in a way thats cohesive and easy to understand. It just is. I just do.

SONG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oQ8KGUJ6KM

I was always the kid in highschool that had in headphones during class, listening to rock songs wishing I was somewhere in a trashy bar shooting pool and drinking beer with some tatted up guy who drives a black Harley. This band brings back those days, when I was so hopeful and rebellious and free.

And even after all of these years, still another song that I cant relate to. Something to make me hope and be okay to be lost.

I don’t know anymore. There comes a time when you really just cant take another blow. Call it growing pains..But I’ve been through so much more than what the average 21 year old woman should have had to. I guess its finally catching up to me…

A year..  I sold my soul, my heart, and my dreams.

So much… changes in a year. Wow.

I’m going to go and paint. Listen to this song, let the colors speak for me… who know’s what I’ll end up with. Maybe that’s the beauty in it all… Never knowing the end. Being able to be completely in control of that end…

Saturday come faster…

The Week From Hell

I still don’t understand why people want to follow my blog. All I do is bitch and complain. Give a bit of insight here and there but it’s all basic common sense. But, apart from that, thank you. I’m not really that interesting, I just have REALLY shitty luck… tends to amount to really interesting stories though.

I think that’s the one think I am good at, telling stories. Creativity is my life source. Without a pen or pencil … without a paint brush or ballet shoes. I really am hollow.

First, to start, I am well aware that a bad day-in my case week, is not enough to entitle me as to say I have a bad life. I don’t. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and be-friending wonderful characters along my 21 years. I got to travel the world and see things most people dream of. But let me tell you in my life, when it rains it pours.

What I’m not going to do is apologize for feeling bad for myself. I have every right to. However, If I treat anyone poorly I am very apologetic about that. Usually in times like this I tend to shut myself off from the world. No texts or phone calls… I’ll sing sad songs at the top of my lungs or I’ll paint pictures of falling skies and tides.

But today none of that seems to be enough. I’ve always been impulsive. It’s innately in me and its nothing I can use concentrated will power or determination to overcome. I always will act before thinking and speak the first thing on my mind. And I’ve always been good at creating these elusive fictitious worlds in my head and just escaping for a bit. Take a tip to my roof and smoke a cig, picturing myself anywhere but here.

But I can’t anymore. Maybe it’s a part of growing up. Maybe its that voice in the back of my head that says ‘Grow some balls and face your mistakes.’

I really am my own devil.

Sometimes when you take a step back and look at the world, the things around you, the things no one else really cares nor wants to pay attention to. You become really bitter.

There’s so much hate, and anger and sadness and frustration in this world.

I’ve always had to be nosey. I want to know the cause of these things. The reason behind the emotion.

The problem with the outsider is that he sees too deeply and too much. And what he sees is essentially chaos

 

I don’t want my life to be so broken. I look at the people around me and what they have to go through every day and it kills me. I don’t want to be like the ones before me. I don’t want to be used and grow up with a suppressed hatred and pass that on to my children. I don’t want to watch the ones I care about do whatever they can to keep someone in their lives, because that trait is learned all too well by those around them, and its passed on. This world is cruel and it takes us and chews us up and spits us out until were nothing but worry and confused and that poison ends up poisoning everyone else. The world is genocide in the way it treats us. So many people are quick to discourage, but no one wants to give love. Selfishness is the currency, and peace just seems impossible to find. As much as I hate the government I think it plays a really essential part in everything. Besides our damnation.   Think about it… If you take away the government, these high up officials with their high up brows. What happens to the ones who blindly follow them? What do the idiot bureaucrats do?  They have no free will. They would have no direction but their own. The world would quite literally become anarchy.

My car hates me. I’m like completely sure of it. Twice it’s died. At the most opportune moments let me tell ya! Maybe it was just a sign, an omen that I shouldn’t have been doing what I was.

My mom got rid of my dog yesterday. I had no idea. My Emily. I literally sat by her pillow pet and cried for an hour. And I couldn’t take it anymore so I had to paint something. I haven’t talk to my mom since.. until today. And it was basically her asking me for money. It took every ounce of self restraint I had to be civil when replying. I woke up today to give her a hug. And I had to leave.. It sounds dumb to some people but I truly do get along with animals more than I do with people. And now shes gone. Just like that. And she’s probably scared and confused and sad… I can’t talk about this anymore.

I haven’t actually had a conversation with my mom since then. Just texting to which I give one worded replies. And the sad thing is, I don’t even care. I’m just tired of being tired. I’m tired of being taught hate, and anger, judgement,how to not trust. I’ve got enough trust issues of my own than to take on another’s.

I need to get away. I need to just pack up and move somewhere far away. I have nothing going for me, and especially not here. I wonder how many people’s lives would have been different If I had never moved. And when I think of the happienss they could have had, that they should have had, It makes me feel miserable.

Work blows. One person, who I was never acutally with in the first place, leads to an entire store. And that’s all it takes. One rumour started out of whatever reason and my name is thrown on the sidewalk and stepped on repeatedly. I’ve never had to be so cautious as to what I say, who I say it to, who I’m talking to or seen with. The one reason I got hired is the reason I’m being watched like a hawk. All of this trouble, from one person. From one thing that hurt to even hear never was a thing.

And the deciding factor is. I need to go. Somewhere that its alright for me to be a loner for a while. It’s alright for me to be selfish and finally do something that makes me happy. Not everyone else. To sit back and watch and try and trust again, to have faith again. To know that not all people are racist and rude and spiteful.

It’s weird to pack bags that were never unpacked. I guess I always knew I was just passing through. I’ve always been a gypsy. a bird. I’ve never had a home. My home was the people I met, the stories I was told and the way those stories made me feel. I don’t know where I’ll end up, how long I’m going to be there.

I don’t know anything anymore. But I’m okay with that. It gives me room to grown and to make mistakes and for once to not be expected to be so damn perfect.

 

I guess we’ll see how this goes.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioQGPiHcv_w

 

 

It’s Hard To Read A Closed Book

If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one” – Mother Teresa

My problem with that quote is I’m a fixer. I always feel the need to fix and care for everything and everyone. And yes, although my intentions are always good. I end up doing more hurting than helping. Story of my life

And then I get days like this. When I’m perched on my roof, sifting through thoughts and imagination and introspection. And bug bites.

I can’t believe I’ve reached 1000 followers on this thing. I am extremely blessed and greatful. Thank you.

So, today, I’m going to let it all out. Everything. Sorry in advance.

1. I hate, I mean with every bone in my body the fact that the worst things in live happen to the people with the best hearts. I know the whole God doesn’t give us more than we can bare sort of thing. And we have to look at the small things in life and appreciate what we have before he multiplies us with more. I have a knack at meeting and befriending broken people. I always have. And have yet to understand why. Perhaps its because I’m just as worn, perhaps it’s because I’m supposed to bring sunlight and peace. I don’t know. Of course if you take yourself away from the equation than you can really see the path that persons life would have taken if they had never met you. Tons of possibilities. No direct answers. I’ve only known this person for about a month and a half but I have never wanted to sell everything I own and work a corner to help someone so much in my life. Having lost a mother, the person who gave birth to you. Carried you for nine months. There is no greater bond. And to loose that is truly like loosing a part of yourself, a part that you can never get back. That emptyness can never and could not ever by no amount of things collected or people to fall in love with-be filled. And yet here she is, trying to make ends meet, trying to be happy. When it takes everything to even get up in the morning. I try not to speak much. To just listen. Sometimes an objective pov to point you in the right direction is good. We let the world or our fears muddle what’s clear and cohesive. But sometimes I feel like I can do more, be there more. But I can’t. I have to watch this person suffer and life throws blow after endless blows. And I’m powerless. And it literally kills me.

2. Megan. My wonderful Megan. She’s honest. No one has ever been so wonderfully trustworthy. And believe me when I say I fight getting attatched to people tooth and nail. I fight the desire to want to trust people so artfully you would never know it. But not my Megan. Five years and I can tell her anything. With no fear of judgement just sound clear truth. I love someone who can be truthful to me. Damn my feelings and sensitivity and just tell me how it is. And that’s my JC. And yet she still has to go through shit. We can’t help who we fall in love with. We just can’t. It’s chemical and we can’t fight our genetics. Yet I’ve had to watch her get heartbroken by these assholes. This girl who would do anything for those she loves. This amazing person who so real and has always been there for me. And I’ve taken it for granted. And no amount of sorry can change that. But she’s always there, still. Being a wonderful friend. Yet her own desires, her loneliness makes me lonely. No one her age should have to see the world for what it is.

3. Sis. I’ve lived with her, and although she egged it on a lot of the times, being in a situation like I was, with a boyfriend like I had.. I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Life made her angry and bitter and she felt like she had to take on this role of being my protector. And sometimes It was endearing and sweet. I find it strange when people want to take care of me. The roles is always reversed. And then at times it was just plain annoying. I like to fight my own battles. I am more than capable of it. But sometimes there’s a line you don’t cross. Boundaries that are set for these specific reasons… And now I want to protect her. So young. Cheating and drugs an engagement and now pregnancy. I love children. I adore them. Family to me is God’s gift to a woman and a man. It’s a legacy. But the problem with this generation is people are so quick to jump to a quick fix. The idea of something. Women, please hear me when I say that a child will not keep a man. If he is not emotionally, mentally, and spiritually ready. PLEASE do not put an added pressure on him to provide not only you but a child with security and stability. Unless you are a stable couple and can financially raise a child, please don’t to this. A child learns EVERYTHING from the relationship between its mom/dad. Because that’s the first relationship they know. Of course I’m going to love and spoil and discipline my god child. That’s my god child. But when I think of everything I have to do for this baby. To have to raise a child and its two parents…. I need a drink. Sure, I don’t have to do anything. But I couldn’t look myself in the mirror If I turned my back and let this baby grow up in the environment its going to.

4. I miss you.. And I’ve done nothing but cause shit to your life when all you did was make mine brighter. It was hard and it was difficult. But It was right. It felt right. But I was selfish. I ruin peoples lives, I do. I’m like a poison, I should’ve warned you. I’ll sink into you and drain you of everything you have. And I don’t mean it. I never did. I only wanted to give the happiness I was given. Your beautiful and courageous and honest. So many wonderful things I took advantage of. I didn’t deserve you. Because people like me don’t deserve something so good when they’ve treated it so badly. I should’ve listened. To everyone. But I’m stubborn and I don’t believe in giving up. I’m sorry for all of the trouble I’ve caused. You were right to wish you never met me. I wish more people thought that and stopped trying to be friends with me. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. I’m trying to warn you here. You always meet the right people at the wrong times

5. Stagrammin’. You were right. You have become one of my bestfreinds, but I can’t be more than that. You aren’t a Jacob to me. Your my bestfriend. And I wish I could feel the same as you, but I can’t. I didn’t mean to lead you on, I just got addicted to the feeling of not feeling anything for a while. I didn’t realize how selfish that was to you. Especially having had it happen to me. It wasn’t fair. And it hurts me everytime I’m around you. It’s gonna suck when you leave for school. I seriously don’t know what I am going to do. haha Maybe I can convince you to build motorcycles with me with outside l&g gives you your soul back. (:

I hate understanding life. Sometimes I really do envy those people who are one dimensional. There’s nothing wrong with that. You stay eternally optimisitic and your problems are simple. But when your like me… when you see and understand too much. It’s draining. I don’t know why I was put here. To hurt, to help. I guess I have to decide how to treat that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4FC9iuftAA

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